The Power of Dreams
by Bethj17
Summary: Jasper has a reoccurring dream that casts doubt over his relationship with Edward. Contains boy/boy action.
1. Chapter 1

**As always everything Twilight belongs to S. Meyer**

**A/N** I wrote this late last night when I was meant to be doing other things. It's totally unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own I hope you like it. The italics are scenes from the dream.

**The Power of Dreams**

It always starts and ends the same.

The ornate lamp beside our sofa crashes to the wooden floor creating the awful loud sound of the shattering glass. I have been having this dream ever since Edward and I moved in together six months ago. It reoccurs every few weeks or so. The content may vary in detail but the end and the start never change. Psychologists would probably explain it as buried insecurities taking hold of my unconscious mind and I suppose they could be right. Each time they get more vivid and real and it takes a few minutes to recover from my racing heart and pumping adrenaline as I awake into the weak morning light. Last night's version had been the most life like yet and even twenty minutes from waking I am still trying to shake off it's affects. Most dreams I have are forgotten before I even open my eyes but these stick with me for days plaguing me with doubts about Edward.

Untangling myself from the sweat soaked sheets I head for the shower. Hopefully it will clear my brain of the haunting images that are causing bile to swirl uneasily in my stomach. Turning the water to the hottest I can bare I stand unmoving just letting the water rain down on my head.

_Crash! The sound of breaking glass downstairs causes my heart to literally jump out of my throat._

_"What the fuck was that?" I curse as I try to peel myself off the bedroom ceiling_

_I was sure Edward wasn't home when I walked through the door five minutes ago at least his car wasn't in the drive. That and the fact it's the middle of the day when he would normally be working convince me it couldn't be him. So who the hell is in my house? Slowly I creep out of our bedroom on to the landing. Keeping tight to the walls I inch along until I reach the balcony that looks down on to the lounge. _

_It's one of the aspects that sold Edward and I the house. The lounge is the full height of the house giving the illusion of a large space when essentially the room isn't all that big. A black leather sofa sits in the middle of the room in contrast to the stark white walls facing a large flat screen television that hangs on the wall. Next to the sofa is a small black table that houses Edward's designer reading lamp. He had insisted he needed it even with the ridiculous price tag and I had relented relatively easily after he had given me his best pout and puppy dog eyes. Really I couldn't see the appeal of a lamp but I suppose it is beautiful with a clear blown glass bottom and the opaque glass shade. _

_I can hear someone moving around in the room below and as I am about to seek a peak around the edge of the wall and over the balcony I realise I probably should have picked up something to defend myself. Not wanting to risk making a noise by returning to the bedroom I take a few deep breaths to calm my rapidly beating heart and despite my lack of a weapon I take look over the wooden rail._

As the water starts to run cold I admit defeat and get out of the shower. Having stood in there for far too long I'm running late for work and will have to forego breakfast in order to get there on time. Reentering the bedroom my eyes fall to Edward's side of the bed never before have I wished so much that he didn't start work so early in the morning. I could really use a hug about now to reassure my overactive brain that he was here with me.

Thirty minutes later and I'm sat at my desk maybe work will be enough to distract me. Shifting paper out of my in tray I'm about to make a start when Charlotte my PA bursts through my office door.

"Jasper thank god you're here"

I look up surprised by her flustered demeanour as she's usually so calm and together.

"What's the matter?" I ask quite sure I don't actually want to hear the answer.

"The pitch for the Baker account has been rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon" the words rush out so fast I can barely make out what she's saying

"Hey take a breath and say that again"

"The Baker pitch is tomorrow afternoon, upstairs need your designs first thing tomorrow morning at the latest"

The implications of what she has just said sinks in and panic begins to rise. The pitch wasn't meant to happen for another two weeks and I had hardly started to fine tune the final designs.

"Oh fuck" I groan

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Charlotte offers her assistance but unfortunately there really is nothing that she can do

"No but thank you I just need to get my head down and get on with it"

She gives me a sorry smile as she leaves closing the door behind her. Well I did hope for distraction.

An hour in and I'm struggling to concentrate with so much work to do it looks like it's going to be a long day and night. Pulling my phone from my pocket I send Edward a quick text

**Going to be late one, see you sometime tonight, love you J x**

His response is almost instantaneous.

**I'll keep dinner warm for you, love you too E x**

After reading his words I feel the first smile of the day tugging at my lips. It's unfair to tar Edward with my past bad experiences especially when all the evidence I have ever been given is from a stupid dream. But having been hurt deeply a few times before it's hard to shake those fears. Fortunately the reassurance from his text allows me to work for another hour before I'm being disturbed again by flashes from my nighttime terrors.

_The first thing I notice is the expensive lamp lying in a million pieces across the polished floor boards and the errant thought of how pissed Edward is going to be pops into my head. I can't see anyone from my view point as they must be hidden under the balcony but I can hear strange grunting noises. Then there's the sound of material rustling and I wonder as to what the hell is happening beneath me. A shuffling sound keeps me glued to my spot as a figure comes into view. A beautiful blond man stands literally a few metres away from me watching something that is still hidden. There is a definite smirk on his face and confusion floods my brain as he begins rubbing himself lazily over his tight blue jeans. _

_"What the…" I whisper as I try to fathom why I'm hiding as a pervert gets off in my lounge_

_I'm about to shout out when the words get stuck in my throat. I'm actually choking on them as a familiar copper head emerges into sight. He's completely naked, which explains the sound of rustling material, as he stalks towards the unknown blond. I try to convince myself that it's not my boyfriend that's stood drinking in the sight of another man caressing himself as I am yet to see his face. But there is no denying that head of hair or the smooth pale skin covering a well defined back and perfect ass. I would know it anywhere. _

_I try to scream but no sound leaves my mouth. I try to move but my limbs won't co-operate and I can't leave my front row seat to this heart crushing performance. I want to shut off all my senses but they are more heightened now than ever. My eyes have never seen so clearly and my ears are able to pick up every breath or sigh that's made._

Rubbing my hands over my eyes I try to focus on the computer screen in front of me but fail miserably. "For fucks sake Jasper pull yourself together" I internally give myself a kick up the ass. Maybe if I just take a short break I can muster a bit more concentration. Thinking a breath of fresh air and some strong caffeine might help I head out to my favourite coffee shop across the street from my office.

"Good morning Jasper, bad day?" Lucy the owner of the shop enquires my stress obviously clearly shown on my face

"Something like that" I try and give her a smile but don't think I really succeed

"You want your usual?" she asks as she returns my attempt at a smile with a sympathetic one of her own

"Make it a double please"

"That bad?"

"Just busy is all"

She hands me over my Expresso telling me to take care of myself and I assure her that I'll try.

Back in my office significantly more caffeinated I return to the urgent task of finishing the Baker designs. The break seems to have helped and over the next few hours I make a good amount of head away. Eventually my stomach begins protesting from lack of food and I am forced to take another break and go in search of subsistence. This time though it doesn't prove to be so beneficial and my mind drifts back to that dark place.

_I_ _watch completely helpless as the hands that have touched every inch of my body reach out to touch someone else. The blond stranger lets out a low groan of pleasure as Edward's hand makes contact with his obviously aroused cock. I'm screaming "Stop please stop" over and over but the sound can only be heard in my head. I try to remove myself again but it's like I'm made of stone and I can't move a muscle. Edward has now dropped to his knees his fingers making quick work of the belt and fastenings of his partners jeans. "Oh god no" I whimper as I witness the reveal of a impressively hard dick. Edward lavishes attention over it with long licks and wet open mouthed kisses before swallowing it whole. The nameless man throws his head back uttering words of praise at Edward's skill as he throughly fucks his mouth. The sounds of sucking and groaning are like acid to my brain and it psychically hurts to endure them. I desperately want to escape but still I remain where I am forced to watch as my heart is ripped from my chest and shredded into the tiniest little pieces. _

_Left behind is a gaping bleeding hole that hurts beyond anything I have ever felt before. A searing pain radiates through every nerve in my body magnified with each breath I take making it almost impossible to breathe. I feel like am going to black out but I'm not given that luxury. As the scene below continues to increase in intensity and passion and I want to claw my eyes out just to get a moments reprieve._

My elbows propped on my desk I rest my face in my hands I need to get a grip. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to Edward about this dream get it out in the open. Talking about it might help to ease my mind and stop my ugly insecurities from causing me such heart ache.

Feeling I'm not going to be any more productive in the office I decide to take my work home so that I can be there when Edward finishes work. I know that once I see him he'll ease my turmoil and then maybe I should be able to get these designs finally finished.

They journey home though isn't enough to occupy my thoughts and as hard as I try I can't stop thinking about the dream.

_The stranger is now naked and bent over the arm of our leather sofa his legs spread wide as Edward runs his hands over the flawless skin of his ass. On that sofa we have spent numerous nights curled together watching television. We've made love on that sofa and now it's all been poisoned._

_"Gonna fuck you so hard" Edward's gravelly voice assaults my ears _

_Just when I think it couldn't possibly get any more soul destroying I find myself stuck as Edward stays true to his word. His hips pistoning at a frantic pace as cries of sheer pleasure fill the air. Tears are flowing torrents down my cheeks and with each illicit groan I die a little more. Just as I feel I'm slipping into a catatonic state they're both cumming screaming curse words to the heavens. _

_Then it's over and what ever power has held me captive to this torture breaks and I'm able to move again. But before I can fall to a sobbing heap on the floor Edward's head turns and he looks directly at me. On his face though isn't a look of horror at being caught red handed but a smile. He smiles his beautiful crooked smile at me as I fade into the darkness._

Once home I go straight to the bedroom with the thought to change my clothes into something more comfortable but the bed looks so inviting. Dropping down on to Edward's side I bury my face into his pillow inhaling his unique scent and already I can feel the tension releasing my tight muscles. I must fall into a light sleep as I'm woken by the sound of the front door closing, Edward's home. Dragging myself from the comfort of the bed I head out to greet my boy.

Just as I'm about to step out onto the landing my body freezes with sickening terror as the sound of shattering glass stops my heart dead.

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><p><strong>AN** Please let me know your thoughts, thank you Beth x


	2. Chapter 2

**As always everything Twilight belongs to S. Meyer**

**A/N** I never really intended for this to be more than a one shot but as they say never say never. It's totally unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own I hope you like it.

**The Power of Dreams - Chapter Two**

The terrorising sound chills my blood turning my body to solid ice. I can't move not in even a fraction I'm totally frozen to the spot in the doorway of our bedroom. I fight for breath my chest rising and falling at a dangerous rate yet I can't seem to get any oxygen to my brain. Everything begins to turn fuzzy at the edges and I know I need to slow my breathing but I can't remember how. I'm at total mercy to the panic that's entering every cell in my body multiplying at a rapid pace quickly infecting every fibre of my being until it has complete control.

At what point I fall to the ground I can't be sure but I find myself sprawled across the carpet my face planted in its thick wool pile. For a few blissful seconds I'm disorientated and confused but it's not long before the memory of shattering glass poisons my thoughts. Images of Edward downstairs fucking someone over our sofa fill my head, how can this be happening to me again? What did I do in a former life to have to endure this heartache for a third time? I don't think I'll actually survive it this time.

Realising I need to move I pull myself to a sitting position hugging my knees to my chest and resting my forehead upon them. I don't know I'm crying until I feel the tears soaking through the cotton of my pants. Heavy uncontrollable sobs shake my body and I have no willpower to stop them. I'm so enveloped deep in misery that I don't hear Edward coming up the stairs.

"Fuck, Jay what happened? Are you ok?"

In what appears to be an instant he's crouching at my side his hand gently rubbing my back trying to provide me some comfort but it only makes me feel sick. I don't respond as I can't bear to see the freshly fucked glow he gets in his cheeks. The one that makes him look even more beautiful.

"Baby please look at me, you're scaring me"

I don't because I physically can't. Without moving my head I look to at him out of the corner of my eye. All I can see are his legs and feet and I notice that he has managed to put his pants back on. A little relief washes through me and I'm thankful he's wearing some clothes. If I saw him naked now it would be the final blow that rips the last piece of my heart from my chest.

"Are you hurt? Are your mum and dad ok?"

How can he be worried about my parents when only minutes earlier he was balls deep in someone else! As my tears start to dry they're replaced with a burning anger that starts white hot in my stomach filling it to capacity before it's forced up through my throat. As if possessed I spring to my feet the sudden movement has him falling back on his ass a look of complete confusion clouds his features only making me more insanely angry. Words like scorching hot lava spill from my mouth on a path to cause nothing but destruction and devastation.

"Seriously you're asking about my parents? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I'm glaring at him with absolute venom. I swore nobody would ever get close enough to hurt me again but Edward had taken me by surprise and sneaked under my defences before I had a chance to shut him out.

"Jay I don't know what you're talking about"

He gets to his feet and tries to approach me his hands up in submission or defence I can't be sure.

"Don't even think about fucking touching me" I warn him

"Please baby tell me what's going on I don't understand" his pleading grates on me. How stupid does he think I am?

"How about you tell me what the fucks going on? I mean how long have you been getting away with it? Were you ever going to tell me?"

We're inches apart now and I can see I'm making him nervous which gives me some sense of sick satisfaction.

"I haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about" his voice remains calm despite the apparent nerves.

"I think you do" I spit the sentence at him the tone in complete contrast to his.

"I'm telling you as honestly as I can that I don't" his calm demeanour is beginning to waver but that just encourages me

"Like fuck you don't"

"Look I'm not going to stand here and be your punching bag if you want to talk to me sensibly I'll be downstairs"

His tone, though maybe not intentionally, sounds so condescending it has my tenuous grip on reality spinning out of control.

"You're a lying fucking whore" the words rush out thick with acid and I watch as they hit him burning a look of pure hurt into his face he doesn't respond just turns and walks away.

Left on my own I feel like I'm going out of my mind as anger swirls around me in dizzying waves. I loved him so much despite promising myself I would never love anyone again. I can't imagine my life without him in it, he's my soul mate, he's what gives my life meaning and yet right now I hate him with a visceral passion.

Unable to keep still, I pace the bedroom floor making every effort to rein in my emotions. Many minutes pass before I'm able to sit on the edge of the bed and calm myself down. My wildly changing moods are starting to scare me especially as the time I need to reach any sense of calm seems to be getting longer and harder to find.

I recount the events of what just happened and the hurt on Edward's face seems to be permanently etched into my brain. Did I really say those things to him? The obvious answer of course being yes. I remember hearing the front door open, smashing glass and then another panic attack. Everything then is a bit fuzzy except for the violent anger it was just so powerful and unrelenting it would be hard to forget.

The more I go over and over the moments after Edward arrives home the clearer it becomes that the only evidence I had to accuse Edward of anything was a sound from a dream. Fuck! I'm seriously losing my mind. Maybe I am insane it can be the only explanation to my overacting crazy behaviour and the thought absolutely terrifies me. I'm at the total mercy to my emotions they have complete control. What if I lost it like that at work I'd surely lose my job and there is no guarantee I can provide myself that it won't happen just the one wrong thing seems to be able to send me into a complete tailspin these days. I need to apologise to Edward I just hope I haven't done any lasting damage.

I make my way downstairs and seeing as the lounge is empty I cautiously approach the kitchen. He's stood with his stands on the counter staring out of the kitchen window into the darkness. Next to him are a huge bunch of flowers and the remains of what was a glass vase. Realisation hits me like a battering ram and I'm instantly filled with shame. Why couldn't I have been more reasonable and prevented this whole hurtful event. He didn't deserve any of what I threw at him yet I know if I could go back in time and redo the last couple of hours I'm sure I wouldn't have reacted any differently.

"Edward?" I call out to him quietly alerting him to my presence.

He tries to discreetly wipe his hands under his eyes before he turns to face me but even if I hadn't noticed the action his puffy bloodshot eyes were an immediate give away. I feel infinitely worse knowing that I have caused those tears and that he has been standing down here alone crying whilst I have been having a breakdown over a broken vase.

"I'm so so sorry" I say pleading with my eyes for him to forgive me.

He doesn't respond in any way and I want to go to him and pull him into my arms but I feel I don't have the right at the moment to be in his personal space.

"I wish I could take it all back and erase what I said to you. I was cruel and heartless and I'll do anything to make it better, absolutely anything" I continue hoping that I will eventually achieve a reaction "Please Edward I'll do anything"

"I just want you to talk to me" his whispered words reach my ears and he must see the look of confusion in my face as I process what he's saying "You've not been yourself since we moved here. You're moody and distant I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells for fear of setting off your temper."

I don't know what to say I know things haven't been right with me for a while but I thought I was doing well at keeping it from Edward. I never wanted to burden him with my issues and insecurities so I'd kept it all to myself. The dream as well as everything else is my own stupid problem, Edward has his own life to live without me causing him concern. Evidently I have not been as careful as I'd thought as clearly I've been making life difficult for him without even realising it.

"Jay please just talk to me, I can't carrying on like this anymore it's not fair on me or you"

All I hear in that sentence is 'I can't carrying on' and it strikes fear into my heart.

"Are you going to leave?" I ask, his words echoing round and round my head.

He pushes himself away from the counter and walks towards me I can't look at his face for fear of what I might see.

"Come on baby let's sit down I think it's about time we faced this"

When he reaches me he takes my hand and gently leads me to the lounge.

We sit facing each other and he doesn't let go of my hand but I'm still staring at my feet.

"Jay we need to do this and you're gonna have to look at me"

Reluctantly I raise my eyes and it breaks my heart to see his swimming with tears.

"I'm not leaving you baby but I do think it's best if I move out for a while" he struggles with the words, his breath catching in his throat as a single tear escapes rolling silently down the contour of his nose.

It takes a few seconds for me to register what he's saying and panic sets in the moment it aligns in my brain.

"Please don't leave me" the words sound pitiful even to me.

"I think I have to" and for the second time tonight he's trying to discreetly wipe away his tears.

"Why? I don't understand"

"Baby I don't think you're well, you need to talk to someone about how you're really feeling and I think you may find it easier if I'm not here to help hide the cracks. I love you so very much and I want to pretend that nothing is wrong but we can't carry on hoping that it is all just going to disappear because we both know that it's not."

"I'm sorry Edward, I'm really desperately sorry. I promise I'll try harder to control my temper but I need you here with me. I'll get help, I will, just don't leave me" I plead with everything that I have as tears begin to fall from my own eyes.

For a long while neither of us talks as tears take away our ability to speak. Instead he pulls me to him and we lay together my face pressed against his chest as he soothingly slides his fingers through my hair and I listen to the steady rhythm of his beating heart.

How did I let it get to this? I was so convinced my only problem was a reoccurring nightmare I hadn't stopped to examine the other issues in my life. I have been short tempered, I know that, but it's been so busy at work and recently I haven't been sleeping well so I put it all down to tiredness and stress. I didn't realise the damage I was doing to our relationship. I am always so concerned with protecting my own heart I never even thought to protect Edward's and in that I suppose there lays the problem. I'm using all my energy worried about myself there is none left for Edward. As much as it pains me to admit it I think he's right, I need to fix myself so that I can give him the love he deserves because he does deserve the very best.

"Honey, I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I love you too very much but I think you're right I do have some stuff I need to fix" I speak the words into the fabric covering his chest almost hoping it will muffle it enough so that he doesn't hear me as such I big part of me wants to believe this isn't happening.

"I wish I could be enough Jay but I just don't think I have the strength to be able to make this right" he sounds so defeated as if he's failed.

"This isn't your fault Edward I never should have let it get so bad. There are a lot of things that happened in my past that I have never dealt with. I thought that if I just tucked them away in a box and shut the lid tight I wouldn't have to think about them again. I was wrong."

"You could have talked to me, you know you can tell me anything" his hand stops its movement in my hair but comes to my chin so that he can raise my face to look at him "Anything, nothing could change how I feel about you"

Despite the pain in my heart I can't help but smile.

"Thank you, I know, and I will tell you everything one day I promise"

We continue to talk for hours, he explains how the last few months have been for him and I can't believe I thought I was doing a good job at keeping my drama to myself. I had clearly been far more obvious than I anticipated. Even in my sleep my traitorous sub-conscious has been revealing the upsetting nature of my dreams as my cries wake Edward but he had never been able to wake me from them. I ask him why he had never mentioned it the next day but he says he felt that if I wanted to talk about it I would do so in my own time. I think we both know the real reason he never said anything is he was afraid of setting me off. Although this is an ideal opportunity for me to finally tell him about my nightmares I still can't bring myself to put the images into words so Edward remains in the dark.

Pulling my focus away from myself I feel like I'm looking at Edward properly for the first time in ages and I can see how tiring it has become for him. For the last few months he hasn't been able to truly relax around me for fear that I will have another melt down. He needs a break from this emotional rollercoaster as much as I do.

After much discussion and a lot more tears we decide that it is properly best if I go home for a little while. I'll call work in the morning and explain that I need to take some time away I'm owed so much vacation I can't think it will be too much of a problem. The only thing causing me concern is the Baker pitch tomorrow until I thought about contacting my boss I had forgotten all about. All I could do is send in what I have already completed as there is no way I can put any more work in to it tonight any way.

Edward offers to stay with his parents but I think it's unfair. His job is in the city and going home for him will mean a ninety minute commute every day. As I won't need to be in work it's only right that it's me that makes the move. Also it will be good for me to be near my mother as she has always been a source of comfort whenever I have needed her.

We agree not to put time limits on anything and to still talk each day over the phone but I have every intention of getting back to him as soon as I can. I don't want to be away for him at all but I can understand that maybe some time away will help us back on to the right path again. If we stay together it will be too easy to become consumed in our day to day lives and paper over the ever increasing cracks until possibly there isn't enough left to hold us together. He is it for me and I will do anything to make sure I spend the rest of my life growing old with him by my side. If that means we have to spend a short time apart now I'll do it to make sure we spend the rest of forever together.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult with phone calls to make and a bag to pack but that can all wait until the morning because for now all I want to do is spend the rest of the night curled tightly around my Edward.

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><p><strong>AN **I would be really grateful to hear your thoughts. Also I have just started a Twitter account Beth17ff so please come and join me there.


	3. Chapter 3

**As always everything Twilight belongs to S. Meyer**

**A/N **Thank you so much for the reviews and alerts I really do appreciate every one. I have had this written for a while but I'm only now being brave enough to post it I promise to do better with the next chapter. As with the other chapters this is totally unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own I hope you like it.

**The Power of Dreams - Chapter Three**

The morning came rushing in all far too quickly and despite burying my face in the crook of Edward's shoulder the sun still persisted to shine through the flimsy curtains. How could the day outside appear to be so glorious when I knew today was going to be so miserable?

After we had gone to bed last night Edward had fallen to sleep quickly shattered from the evening's events and the broken sleep my nightmare had given him the night before. I however wasn't so lucky and sleep eluded me way into the early hours. I had laid awake for a while just appreciating Edward's sleeping form he looked so angelic, the stresses of the day no longer marring his beautiful features. I wish it hadn't come to this it hurt my heart to think about leaving him but I needed to fix me if we had any chance at a future.

Slowly he begins to stir beside me his arm wrapped around my shoulders pulling me in tighter.

"Good morning baby, you ok?" his voice still husky with sleep does unthinkable things to my pulse rate but it's still not enough to lift my heavy mood.

I give a half hearted smile in reply unable to conjure up to words to explain how I'm feeling.

He holds me impossibly closer and a press myself firmly into his side wishing our bodies would somehow fuse together it's both comforting and distressing at the same time. I know that the longer I hold him the harder it will be to let him go yet I can't make myself release my grip. Eventually my ever increasing bladder has the final say and I have no choice but to leave the warmth of Edward's body.

Entering back in to the bedroom I stop in the door way struck by the enormity of leaving Edward. I don't know when I'll next see him after today and that thought scares me beyond belief. Looking at him on his stomach sprawled across our bed the white sheets tangled round his legs barely covering his ass I can't believe I'm actually going to go through with it. His head is laying on my pillow his arms hidden beneath it and I wonder how much harder it will be for him to be in our bed alone at night. Even contemplating Edward's feelings I can't help my brain slipping to visuals of someone else spooned up against him. How much easier it will be for him if I'm not in the way? It takes more determination than it should to shut the thoughts out but I manage it before they take me further down a road of despair. Ever since Edward suggested the time part I can't help but wonder if it's just a ploy to get me out of the away. It's been like a constant nagging at the back of my mind but I'm refusing to acknowledge it I can't for fear of what it'll do to my sanity.

"Baby is there a reason why you've been stood naked in the door way for the last five minutes?" Edward's voice mumbling into my pillow draws my attention back to him as I realise I am indeed naked.

"Sorry just got lost in thought"

"Are you going to come back to bed?" he turns his head to look at me his green eyes luring me forward.

I try to resist him as I know how difficult it will be to leave his body a second time but I just can't. The way he's looking at me creates an almost magnetic reaction and before I really have a chance to make a choice I'm lying on my side facing him our legs tangled together under the thin white sheet.

"Honey I really should be making some calls" I say in hope that he'll give me the encouragement I need to actually start with the horrible tasks I have to do today. But my weak protest falls on deaf ears as he completely ignores me by burying his head into my neck whilst holding me tighter. I give in placing my arm over his waist using the tips of my fingers to draw delicate lines up and down his spine as goose bumps erupt all over his skin. He lets out a contented sigh and for the next few minutes we lay together not speaking a word only communicating with gentle touches and barely there kisses.

I don't know how many minutes pass before Edward's voice quietly penetrates the silence.

"As much as I want to stay here forever baby it's nearly 8am you should probably call your boss"

Reality like a lead weight crashes into our perfect bubble and I can no longer put off the inevitable. Begrudgingly I untangle myself from Edward and the sheets and sit on the edge of the bed. I don't move straight away and Edward sensing my reluctance moves up behind me wrapping his arms around my middle as he places his cheek on my shoulder.

"Jay it's going to be alright we will get through this I promise"

His words only bring a small amount of comfort as how can he possibly promise something neither of us can possibly know.

The call to my boss goes a lot smoother than I expect and he grants me permission for four weeks leave. It appears he has also noticed the changes in my attitude and is glad that I am going to address them. He assures me that my standard of work hasn't yet suffered but that he has been becoming more concerned about my welfare. I suppose I should feel grateful to work for such a compassionate company but my usual doubts and paranoia shadow any gratitude I feel. Although I hate that I can't even trust my boss's words I can't help but think that my phone call came at the right time and they'll also be glad to be free of me for a while.

The next call to my mother should be the easier of the two but I really don't feel ready to get into the intricacies of why I'm going home. I know she will be glad to have me stay but she will also want to know the reasons. Admitting that Edward and I need time apart feels like I have failed and I don't want to say that out loud or have to give any explanations. After giving myself several internal pep talks I dial the number for home hitting the call button quickly before I back out and have to go through the whole cycle again. It only rings a couple of times before it's answered and my mother's voice greets me down the phone line.

"Hello, Margaret Whitlock speaking" her formal greeting always makes me smile; it's not even remotely close to how she normally speaks.

"Hey mum it's me"

"Hi Sweetheart, what are you doing calling this early?" her voice takes on a curious tone and I know I'm going to have to try hard to get through this as quickly as possible

"Well I wondered whether it would be ok if I came home to stay for a while" As soon as I finish the sentence I brace myself for the barrage of questions.

"Have you and Edward got some vacation time?"

"No just me, Edward still has to work" I hope maybe that will be enough to satisfy her but then I'm never that lucky

"What you're leaving him at home? Is everything alright?"

"I'll tell you all about it when I get home, I should be with you by this afternoon"

"Ok, but Sweetheart I" I feel horrible but I cut her off before she can finish

"I'll see you later, love you"

"But Jasper"

"Bye mum" and with that I end the call feeling guilty for being so rude.

Having made both the phone calls all that is left to do is to pack my things, the final act that truly means I am leaving. Just the thought of removing my clothes from our closet makes me feel sick to my stomach and I question again whether going is such a good idea if it is this painful. But then I remember the night before and the look on Edward's face as I spat those awful words at him and I know I can't risk hurting him like that again. It's time to take responsibility for my emotions and get them back under control before I completely lose the one thing that is most precious to me.

I slowly and reluctantly make my way back to the bedroom retrieving a small suitcase from the spare room as I go. I know I really should use something bigger but I don't want to remove too many of my things from our home. I need to leave as much of me behind just so I know I have a reason to come back. It's impractical and possibly irrational but it scares me to take everything as if the less of me that remains the easier it will be for Edward to forget.

As I enter the bedroom I notice it's empty and a small burst of panic bubbles up in my chest as I fear Edward has crept out whilst I was on the phone downstairs. I'm about to frantically start searching for him when I hear the rush of water as the shower is switched on and water begins to rebound of the surrounding tiled surface. I can tell the moment he steps under the spray from the change in sound as the water is now redirected against soft skin. Placing the suitcase on the bed I sink down beside it the constant swing of my emotions already tiring by body despite the early hour of the day. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be on an even keel where the feelings you go through in 24 hours rarely hit the extremes. I long to be able to just be happy and not to have to fight against myself continually I have no energy left for it. How much easier would it be if I could just curl up in a dark place and sleep for a few months in the hope that when I woke up everything would be perfect? It's a complete shame that such a notion has no basis in reality.

Removing my heavy body from the bed I begin placing my clothes in the suitcase along with a couple of Edward's t-shirts for comfort. I'm just folding the second when he comes through from the bathroom catching me red handed. I was obviously so tied up in my own thoughts I hadn't heard the water shut off or the door open. His eyes are immediately drawn to my hands as he spots the item of clothing before I have a chance to set it down. I wait expecting him to say something but he doesn't comment just gives me a gentle smile as he heads for his underwear drawer.

Edward finishes dressing as I'm closing the zip on the few meagre things I have allowed myself to take. He comes to stand behind me enveloping me in another embrace and placing his chin on my shoulder. I think we have probably had more bodily contact in the last few hours than we have had in the last few months it's yet another reminder of how things have slipped between us.

"Have you got everything you need?" he asks turning his head slightly and whispering the words in my ear. The soft caress of his breath against my skin causes a small shiver to tingle down my spine and I shudder slightly against his chest.

"Yes I think so" I answer just as quietly enjoying the warmth of his body soaking through my back "I going to miss you so much" the words spring from nowhere but they are nothing but the honest truth.

"Me too baby"

His arms hold me a bit tighter and I let myself just be in that moment without my brain running at 100 miles an hour and second guessing his motives. It's perfect and comforting and provides me with enough strength to get through what is possibly going to be the hardest few minutes of my life.

Turning slowly in his arms I turn so that we are face to face wrapping my own arms around his shoulders. I hold him so impossibly close it's quite likely he'll lose the ability to breathe but he doesn't complain and reciprocates in kind. Eventually I loosen my arms allowing us to look at one another. He's so beautiful even despite the tired dark circles under his eyes. I don't think anything could ever distract from his overwhelming beauty. He is all I could ever wish for and yet I'm about to intentionally leave him the irony of the situation is not lost on me. Carefully I lean into him placing my lips softly over his it's a kiss that says so many things, I love you, I'll miss you, I don't want to go. It could so easily become frantic and consuming but neither of us allows it to escalate beyond a simple chaste kiss that says everything we can't physically put into words.

Pulling back from him is gut wrenchingly hard but I manage to do it without my heart dropping to dissolve in my stomach.

"You better get going you'll be late for work" I say in voice a lot stronger than I feel

He doesn't answer just nods his head and steps away from me to gather his work bag and jacket. The silence in the room is deafening and I need to hear his voice

"You haven't eaten, you should eat something before you go" I know in the scheme of things it's irrelevant but if it gets an answer then it will have served its purpose.

He looks at me slightly confused by my statement.

"I couldn't, I'll get something later" his voice is subdued but it's enough to nearly satiate my need "Walk me to the door?"

Stood on the front door step we stand looking at one another both of us unsure as to what to say or do. How do you say goodbye to someone you love when you don't know when you'll see each other again. In this moment I have nothing but the up most respect for families that have to do this as part of their profession. It must be so hard to say those last few words knowing it won't be the last time you'll have to do it. I can see the tears beginning to swim in front of his eyes and it only encourages the lump that has been rapidly forming in my throat choking my air supply.

"You take care of yourself ok, I need you to get better and come back to me" he says raising his hand to my cheek wiping away the tears that I'm now powerless to stop escaping.

"You to, and I will come back to you that's a promise" I cover his hand with mine leaning my cheek into the palm of his hand "I'll call you let you know I'm there safely"

His response is to fold me tightly into his chest as we take the last few seconds together to just breathe each other in. When he lets go it's quick and he's down the steps before I have a chance to realise he's gone he looks back at me once as he reaches his car offering me a weak wave before he's swiftly inside and heading off down the street.

As I go back inside to collect all I need to take with me I feel numb and I welcome it enjoying the emptiness of feeling nothing. It's easier than the torrent of emotions I have been experiencing over recent months and I hope it lasts.

It doesn't take long before the car is packed and I'm shutting the door on our house. I'm expecting the piecing pain in my chest as my heart finally dies but it doesn't come and I continue to be void of any more emotions. As I drive, our neighbourhood getting further and further away, I function on auto pilot scarily unaware of what is going on around me.

Unfortunately for someone there has been an accident on the freeway and I'm stuck in traffic about 20 minutes from my parent's house. Cars have all come to a complete stand still and there is nothing to do but wait. For the first few minutes I sit staring out of the windshield at nothing in particular my thoughts unnervingly quiet leaving my head feeling vacant. What draws my eye to it I don't know but I notice a small slip of paper is sticking out from behind my sun visor as I pull it down it flutters into my lap. Turning it over in my fingers I see there's writing on one side it's a shopping list written in Edward's handwriting with an "x" at the bottom. Such an insignificant thing but something inside me breaks and I'm flooded with every emotion it is humanly possible to feel and once the sobbing starts it can't be stopped. Hugh heaving sobs rack through me as tears stream down my face. I'm sure the people in the cars around me are probably wondering about the crazed lunatic alone in his car but I can't rein it in. I hurt so acutely from the events in my past and I'm so angry that they continue to destroy my life making me walk away from the one person who has ever made me happy. A complete mess of snot and tears I feel so totally out of control I'm scared that I'll never stop the barrage of sorrow that keeps pulling me under.

Beeping from the cars behind force me to pull it together as the traffic begins to clear and I need to drive. How I manage to get to my parent's I'll never know as my eyes are so puffy from crying I can barely see. I give myself a few more minutes sat in the car to gather my shit together before I venture in to the scrutiny of my mother. I feel exhausted and could really do with just sleeping the rest of the day away but I don't think I'll get that luxury. I'm a little stunned by the strength at which the last breakdown hit me and if even a small part of me doubted that I needed some kind of professional help it is now convinced. I can't keep living at these extremes it's just too draining and I don't want to feel this way anymore I want to be able to let go of my past ghosts instead of them persistently haunting my future.

Ten or so minutes pass before I feel ready to go inside. I enter via the kitchen door at the back of the house as I have always done and my mum is stood in the kitchen making sandwiches. She spins round the moment she hears the door rushing towards me. She's about to gather me in a hug when she notices my red rimmed eyes and tear stained face that no amount of time in the car was going to hide.

"Sweetheart whatever is the matter?"

I don't know how to answer as there is so much I could say so I just pitifully shrug my shoulders thankfully she doesn't press me and hugs me anyway. I'm just pulling away from her embrace when a voice I spent my youth trying to avoid poisons the air.

"Ah isn't that sweet you still need your mummy."

Immediately my back goes rigid as my brother's voice assaults my ears.

"James that's enough" my mother scolds him but it never used to make a difference so I don't expect it to now so I'm not surprised when he continues.

"Did your pretty boy kick you out too?"

I look at my mother imploring her with my eyes as to why she didn't tell me he was here. My brother and I have never had a close relationship and it was only made worse when I finally came out and I had to live with his homophobia on a daily basis.

"I tried to tell you sweetheart on the phone but you wouldn't let me finish" my mother whispers in my ear before going over to my brother.

"James haven't you got a wife you are meant to be trying to make a mends with" she says sharply shooing him out of the kitchen.

I have only been inside the house for all of five minutes and already I feel like the pathetic teenager I was all those years ago maybe this wasn't the solution to all my problems.

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><p><strong>AN** Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you Beth x


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